Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
