please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
