I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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