life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
