maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
