Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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