i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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