Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
