and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
