Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
