i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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