i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
