I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
