My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
