I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
