hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
