Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Found your dick twin last night
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dick very happy bro
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
