I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
