The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
