are you so shy because you have an std?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
