I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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