As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
