So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
not ubering you a puppy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
