: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
