wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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