i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
