I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My sheets look like a crime scene.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
