Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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