gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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