Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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