Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
