My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
