Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
