You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
