so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
