I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
