ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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