i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
These tits shall not be calmed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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