Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
