these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
