And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
