So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
