checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
