there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
