i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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