Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize