at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
