Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
