Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
