Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
