You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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