IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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