my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We left the knife in your bed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
